After years of intense dating and romantic explorations, then, sobering inquiries into myself and my heart, I have awakened to a key aspect of what boundaries really mean.
Healthy boundaries are not so much about knowing our No, as they are about knowing our Yes.
Let's have a deeper look into the psychological origins of the tattered boundaries. Truly, we can read every self-help book and go to every "healthy relating" workshop there is, but the fact is that we will not heal our codependent tendencies unless we actually get into them, roll up our sleeves, and do the dirty work - and that means being in an intimate relationship!
Here's the thing - in codependent relationships, it is that we have damaged boundary lines - like feathers tattered by a violent storm or two. One, two, or a few, original traumas began it all, and then were catalogued, long forgotten, only to be dusted off and examined - perhaps for the first time - as we get into creating an intimate relationship. So, we create this; so, we draw a person/people into our hopeful hearts and most vulnerable parts, in a subconscious attempt to do the examining, and with further effort - the repairing as well.
Many times, we do not examine; this is when the situation is prime for blaming, vindication, and painful dissatisfaction. This is like flying upon the airstreams, without any awareness of our tattered, torn, and tired feathers, and then blaming the open sky and currents of air - for the fact that we are struggling to fly! At this point, we may realize we keep repeating the same route, on the same air currents, with the same flock, with suspiciously similar issues, wondering why, looking outside of us, to make sense of the whole dysfunctional and draining mess.
What does it take to shift this perspective?
It takes a dramatic drop of the slipstream, a deep barometric dip , in the dynamic of the relationship; i.e.; maybe the partner abandons you, and/or, the situation altogether. We are stunned into an immobile state of grief and debilitating emotional agony. It is now, only now, that we MIGHT access the sense, to huddle our broken bits into a warm blanketed heap, to examine what's really there. One by one, slowly, slowly, we identify each tattered feather.
In Part II of this blog piece 'Keys to Repairing Our Tattered Boundaries', I will offer more of my insights on the root causes of our 'tattered" boundaries, exploring early childhood caregiving impacts, and shame vs. confidence; re-wiring with affirmative, loving care; Also, the psychological, trauma-rooted reasons we, many of us, do not know our Yes, and how to move through the fears of claiming and containing our desires.
I'll leave you with this:
Boundaries are formed as we stay in diligent faith to our truths,
our goals, our visions, for our life unfolding.
I invite you to reflect upon where it is, in a significant relationship, that you have a tattered boundary?
Essentially, where are you compromising your total " Yes ". . . your deepest soul desire(s), and dream(s) for your life?
Consider writing a list of 5-7 visions/dreams you have had for yourself, that fulfill you, that give you hope and a soul-sense of purpose. Reflect: do these visions feel supported, or, denied of energy, in your intimate relationship?
We begin here. We begin by taking full responsibility for our deepest , most delicious, and usually edgy, desires, and acting from that place, as much as possible.
This is the beginning to repairing and building boundaries.
If you feel called to work with me, I offer private Vocal -Tantra -Empowerment Coaching sessions, Online Courses, and Live Group Voice Power Pleasure Workshop-Journeys for Wombyn. Click here to book your Free Exploration Call, or here to book a private voice empowerment, or, an intuitive bodywork session.
All my love ~Lele Heartloom